Gen. Joe Meyer Passes Away

[Target1221]

FLASH!

Memphis, Tennessee - October 9, 2010

General Joseph Melissa Meyer passed away this morning at the tender age of 180. Born in the small town of Kalamazoo, Michigan, in 1830 Meyer was raised in the Wolverine state. His mother, a well-known local nightclub performer, was best known for her blackface renditions of popular Irish numbers. Many a time little Joe was brought on the stage and made to tap dance for the enjoyment of the saloon patrons. Joe was a sensitive boy growing up and often took to his room with headaches and illnesses. Poor Joe never knew his father though at least 34 different men allowed him to call them "daddy."

Meyer ran away from home in 1860, at the age of 30, to pursue his life-long dream of tap dancing across America. He got only as far as the outskirts of town before tripping over his own left foot and falling into a patch of thorn bushes. With his pants torn asunder he ran all the way to his mother's arms. The locals still talk about Joe's love for streaking through the town.

In 1862 he was drafted into the American Civil War. Joe was placed within the 43rd Michigan regiment and saw action in many of the western battles of that war. Although he never actually fired a shot he did run away from nearly every major engagement of the western campaigns. At Shiloh he was the first to swim the Tennessee River to safety. At Corinth he perfected the art of tunneling. At Vicksburg he managed to spend three months in the rear nursing an injured tennis elbow. At Chickamauga he was first to volunteer to lead the way back to Chattanooga. During the Atlanta Campaign he entered Tunnel Hill but did not emerge until October. At Franklin he was nearly captured but managed to hide in the cellar of the Carter house for two months before making it back to the Union lines. Finally, at Bentonville, Joe became the last Union soldier to surrender during the war.

After the war he stayed within the Army and enjoyed a long career there. At Little Bighorn in 1876 it was Joe who told General Custer, "I saw, maybe, 6 of them Injuns... 10 tops. I suggest you charge while I head back to the Fort to get the victory dinner started." On San Juan Hill in 1898 Joe met with a setback as General Wheeler recognized him as one of the cowards from Chickamauga and gave him a severe thrashing. During World War One Joe joined the Army Air Corps but was never able to successfully land his plane. After crashing fourteen times he was sent back to the infantry and grounded forever. As World War Two began, Joe, now well over 110 years old, finally began to slow down. Joe was stationed on the nice quiet atoll of Wake Island in 1941. When the Japanese attacked the island it was Joe who ordered the operator to send the famous message, "Send us more Japs!" Upon reading the dispatch Joe realized, in horror, that he had been misquoted. "No, you fool, I said Naps... not Japs!" Joe then showed everyone the skill he had shown at Corinth and buried himself within a tunnel on the island. When the Japanese conquered the island he became the only surviving American on the island. In 1952 he emerged from his tunnel and was flown back to the states.

After the Second Great War Joe finally decided to retire from the military. Meyer spent the last decades of his long life in relative solitude in his home in California. Aside from his activities within the ACWGC few people ever knew that Joe Meyer existed. Meyer was never able to achieve the record for World's Oldest Man as he is outlived by his fellow Union compatriot, Ernie Sands. Ernie, one of the original settlers from the Mayflower, was asked his thoughts about the passing of the second oldest man in the world. Sands replied, "Who? Meyer? Nonsense Oscar Meyer has been dead for years!"

Meyer, surrounded by his cats, passed away Saturday morning. Services are planned for Wednesday where a crowd of 312 cats, dogs, and local callgirls are expected to attend.

[rehartwig]

I will also make sure all your pets are out of your plantation.....before I burn it.